Why, must I live this way....

Lately I have noticed a rapid change in my behavior. Now I don't know who I am becoming. I changed within such a short time, it's scary. Is this really me?....Is this the person I was suppose to become., is this the person I was all along but I was just masked by the layers of irrelevant shit. Yes irrelevant shit....I said. I learned to strip away my emotions and make my heart turn cold. I shut out the frivolous things in life and focus on the bigger picture. Am I hurting my own self in the long run? I hate being sober, in fact I can't stand it. When I am sober that's when my mind gets the best of me. I want the weed, It makes me at ease. I fill my weekends with going out and getting shit faced. I toughed up for the better, but am I just drowning out the pain I felt before? I have a fuck it attitude...I always did, or at least alluded that I did, but now it's really serious. I have missed days of work, been calling out constantly. Everyone around me has noticed the change. My mother is asking me what's going on...My grandmother worried I am going to burn myself out. I am just tired of sitting still and just letting life pass me by. I am young I say to them, I have the right to be this way. I have the right to be selfish and worry about me. My mind is so confused. Apart of me loves this new feeling, the old me is dying....it probably already is dead now. It's like once I turned 21. Everything came tumbling down. Its like I was reborn into a new person. People around me are going thru the same thing. We have been hurt and are tired of it all. So we just say FUCK IT! But is that the answer to our problems, doesn't the hurt still linger even though we try to mask it and drown out our pain. When that high comes down and that liquor wears off....what do we do then?