Whaaattt theeee fuckkkk

That's what I said to myself while laying in bed wondering what I am going to do with my life. I have all the direction in the world its just a matter of me actually being able to put my plans into action. Yes, I am a lazy person, but not when it comes to pursuing my dreams. It's just too much fuckin' pressure, I can't even think straight. In one ear I have my parents telling me I need a job. Okay, I understand I am not by any means a free loader and I already feel like shit since I am not able to help with our family situation right now. I am trying to get into school, the program I want to enroll in is 3 weeks long, then right when I am finish I take my certification test and I will be out and working. There are plenty of jobs in the field I want to work in so I know I will find a job in no time. My mom wants to me to work ASAP I understand that but at the same time why would I take a job when I am just going to quit anyways and pursue my career in a matter of less than a month. People are just pissing me off in general and coming at me like I am not even trying. I am not running around popping out babies and up some dude's ass. I have a good head on my shoulders I am just facing a hard time right now. I've been on countless interviews. I've been applying to pretty much every place under the sun, and still NOTHING! I know things could be worse, but its so much more to what I am going through then I care to type right about now. Idk anymore. Everything in my life is a mess. My health, my money, my family, my mental, my love life....yeah let's not get started on that one. Ugh. I've been so many dreams about him. I hate it. Why do I think of someone so much who obviously doesn't give a fuck about me. Yeah, that's my downfall as a cancer when it comes to love, we hold on too long. I guess that's why we have claws as our symbol, we never let shit go and even when we do its still plays in the back of minds over and over and over like the sad scene in a movie. Now back to my mental....shit. I've never been this bad in a while...a long while. Panic attacks seem to be too familiar to me. I don't like it all. I just keep going, for what I don't even know anymore. I guess to keep living. I just need something to remind of the beauty in life. Oh in fact I did last week, but then it was back to the bullshit. I will post those pictures of what made me forget about everything going on later. I am just tired of everyone's fuckin' speeches and so called advice on what to do. I am tired of people talking to me like I am fuckin' 5 years old and I don't even know how to search for a job. I've been working since the age of 13 I am pretty sure I know how to act on a damn interview and how to properly format a resume by now. I don't want to keep hearing "Oh, you'll be good. Don't stress"...psh yeah easy for them to say they aren't going through what I am. I just feel like I am being punished for something which I don't know what it could be. I am tired of ppl relying on me to be the strong one all the time. I deserve to be able to break sometimes. I want to disappear and erase it all.